What breaks my heart? Aside from the fact that there’s no stopping my hairs from turning grey, this girl constantly breaks my heart each time she gets sick, which has been happening a lot lately.
I’ve referred to her on this blog as the 2yo girl, the 3yo girl, then 4yo girl. But that’s my daughter and we call her “China”.
I took this at the hospital a couple of weeks back and felt that it captured exactly what I felt that day. I was in a dark hole most days that week. With a son at home who had chickenpox and the 4yo at the hospital, I felt angry and sad and I wanted to scream. I would spend a few minutes outside the hospital a few times each day, with a cup of coffee in hand and just stare blankly at the road. I liked it outside. Nobody would ask me if she puked, nobody would ask me for my family’s medical history, nobody would ask me if she ate.
Those were my pretend moments.
I would pretend that everything was okay and that my daughter was just inside, watching her favorite cartoons on TV. When it was time for me to go back inside, I would take a deep breath each time before I opened the door and put on my biggest smile for her.
Within her 5-day stay at the hospital, I went home to see my son twice. And each time I walked into the door, he would run up to me and hug me so tight. There was no crying from him, he assured me he was okay. That grandma always asked him what he wanted to eat. I thank God for a very independent son. I felt assured that he would be okay each time I had to leave for the hospital. It did not lessen the guilt though.
Last week was a little better, both kids went back to school and my husband and I went back to work and it seemed like everything was going back to normal.
Weekend was nice. We went to the bundoks to celebrate my niece’s first birthday. The kids had fun although my 4yo did not know what to do with the pabitin. I was laughing as she stood under it, clueless and confused. Then I felt sad because it only meant she does not go out a lot. Ahh, the things that I do to keep them away from danger and germs. Yes, I am that kind of mom. But I am getting better now! I let them loose once in a while. When it’s not raining outside. Or when it’s not too hot. Or windy….
Today kinda sucked. The kid had to stay home again because she has fever. Again. The fuck. Not again. I’ve been catching puke the last couple of hours in between blogging, pacifying her and trying to get some jobs online done. I had to leave the office early because my 4yo asked her dad to call me and begged to “Please mom, come home na, take me to the hospital. I am sick.” in between sobs. So I ran home and I found her in bed, crying while her dad gave her a sponge bath. Auto pilot parenting kicked in – no time to wallow in worry when there’s puke to be cleaned. Rocked her to sleep.
We informed her doctor about what’s happening and she told us to bring her to the clinic tomorrow. So while we wait for that appointment, I’m going to try to stay awake and ready with the “puking basin”.
I had a different plan for a post today but today doesn’t feel like a good day for my usual stuff. I’m tired. I do not ask for a lot in life, I am one of those people who abide by the rules (unless we’re talking about jaywalking), I think I’m kind, I put everybody else’s comfort before mine, I am basically a good person, I think. And it makes me wonder why these things happen. I sometimes wonder how the universe could be so unfair. You see? I can’t even bring myself to question God because I am a fearful person.
I am a very strong woman. I do not crumble easily and I think positively most of the time but a breather would be nice. That would be so fucking nice. She’s young and not as strong as her mom yet. And it scares me to think that something else might be wrong. Something far serious than a stupid bug. That, I will not be able to take. So I will just sit here and beg God and all of the saints to please let it be just a stupid bug.